Of course, there’s no one right way to have sex. But porn has probably shown you a lot of wrong ways!
Most men who jerk it regularly to a screen gain a tolerance to what they’re seeing and are always on the lookout for something new and exciting. This is why over years they escalate from looking at nude photos and vanilla sex to content they’re embarrassed by as soon as they climax. Maybe it’s BDSM with violence and degrading acts. Maybe it’s group sex, femdom, or cartoons. Maybe it’s a bunch of step-brothers, step-sisters, step-dads and step-moms in improbable situations. (See our Insight post, Has Porn Made You a Pervert?)
Porn producers aren’t interested in teaching you healthy or fulfilling ways to connect and enjoy sex. They just want to hack your dopamine levels and keep you clicking—and paying for access to premium material. In a sea of online sexual content, everyone wants to stand out, so pornography is made to be as stimulating as possible.
Pornographers aren’t creating videos for the guy who watches a few free clips once or twice per month. They’re trying to appeal to the heavy users who could make good customers. They know that these men have already watched porn for probably thousands of hours, and they’re numb to the normal and vanilla stuff. Their tolerance is high, so they seek out very specific or extreme porn, and they’re willing to pay for that high. This is why the front pages of most porn sites now are populated with fantasies about incest, rape, racial stereotypes, sadism, masochism, and so on. But even the more vanilla content is not an accurate representation of real life sex.
We don’t judge any specific sex acts among consenting adults. If you and your partner like something, we’re not trying to convince you not to. But learning how to have sex from porn is like learning how to drive by watching the Fast and Furious franchise. By the time you finished the ninth movie, you’d think you can drive to outer space with rockets strapped to your car.
Moviegoers don’t take the driving in the Fast movies seriously because they’ve seen how real people drive and how real cars work thousands of times in the real world. But most guys who are growing up on porn don’t have this grounded experience of real sex and relationships. They think what they’re watching is how sex is. And when they get to the bedroom: monkey see, monkey do.
There’s no way to completely erase porn images from your mind. But over time they do fade away once you choose to go pornfree—especially as you overwrite them with new experiences of love, intimacy, and sex.
1. There is no amount of sexual novelty or orgasms that will make you happy. You’ve been trying that for years, and where has it gotten you? Try letting go of chasing new fantasies and new partners. Instead, allow yourself to be present and enjoy the moment and the connection between you and your partner. If you’re always focused on the next destination, you can’t enjoy the journey. And since all of life is a journey with just one ultimate destination…you’d better learn to enjoy the moment.
2. Beware of using sex with your partner as a replacement for porn. If you’re used to using porn when you’re lonely or bored or depressed, you might start to use sex for the same reasons. Your partner isn’t there to be used as your sexual emotional crutch. Few women want to feel like their partner is using her as a masturbation aid rather than making love to her.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t find comfort in your partner! You can confide in them. You can ask for their love. Sex can even be a part of this. But you’re approaching them as a partner–not just a source of orgasms.
3. Give yourself enough time away from porn to get your sexual sensitivity back. This is really critical. You can’t fill a glass with fresh water if it’s already half filled with spoiled milk. Once porn is out of your life and enough time passes, you’ll become much more sensitive to real people. Remember that thrill and spark of simply holding your crush’s hand? You can get that back with time. Check out these willpower tips or download the REMOJO app to help make it happen!
4. Remember that sex is only one part of your relationship. Don’t get overly fixated on it or allow it to get in the way of the other important parts, like spending time with each others’ friends/family, going on adventures and dates, having deep conversations, etc.
5. Balance pursuing your own pleasure and pleasing your partner. Chronic porn users tend to either care only about their own satisfaction, or they focus too much on putting on a “performance” and making their partner scream with pleasure like they’re used to seeing online. But in reality, too much to either side detracts from the shared joyful experience of real sex.
6. Communicate what you’re feeling and what you want. You don’t have to try to read each other’s minds. It’s OK to call a timeout and talk something through! If you’re wondering if what you’re doing feels good to her, or if you want her to do something different, or if you’re tired and need a break, or if you’ve got anything on your mind that you want to talk over, do it!
In that vein, ask good quality questions. Every person is unique! Don’t assume that you know how to please your partner because you were a rockstar with your ex or you read an article on how to give a woman multiple orgasms. What works for one woman might do nothing for another.
For more tips like this, download the REMOJO app and check out the Relationships, Sex, and Orgasm course in the Mindset tab. Along with it, you’ll get everything else you need to live pornfree and restore your full vitality. You don’t have to decide right now to never use porn again, but give yourself a chance to see how good pornfree sex and life can be with our 30-day Challenge!
Live better without porn.
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