Let’s face it: The stats say that your man probably uses porn. When the average age of first seeing porn is just 11 years old and about 87% of young men use porn regularly, the odds that your man is one of the 13% are low. 13% to be exact.
With how normalized watching porn has become in the Internet age, many think it’s no big deal. But just as with drinking or gambling, for some people it does become a problem. And after years of habitually jerking it to a screen, thousands of people are realizing that porn is getting in the way of having a healthy relationship, enjoying sex, focusing at work, reaching their potential, and more.
1. The sex isn’t very good anymore or he’s lost interest.
One of the most obvious and devastating effects of using porn regularly over years is what we call “porn-induced sexual dysfunction.” This happens after a man has used enough porn that he’s numb to things that used to turn him on. Because he’s so used to being able to see anything he wants with the click of a button, a real woman in his bed (even one who is 100% his type) may not be enough to get or keep him excited anymore. This can result in him being unable to get or keep a strong erection with you–or having a difficult time reaching orgasm. A man with a PISD might require a lot of stimulation to climax, even having to stroke himself to completion because that’s what he’s used to.
If things haven’t gotten bad enough that he’s losing his hard-on or struggling to finish, however, you may notice a lack of passion and that he’s not initiating intimacy as often anymore. It’s an especially bad sign if he’s turning down or avoiding sex, but then he goes into the bathroom for a wank with his phone or stays home while you go to lunch so he can have a date with the laptop.
2. He over-prioritizes sex, and it’s detached from love/intimacy.
For guys who haven’t been using long enough or often enough to develop a sexual dysfunction, you may notice what seems to be the opposite problem: that he has a one-track mind (more than most men). He prioritizes sexual activity to the point that it’s throwing off the balance in your relationship. You may feel pressured into living up to his expectations, and it seems like he cares more about satisfying his orgasm quota than connecting with you. Once he’s had his fix, he may grow distant until the next time he’s horny.
3. The fantasies he wants to live out with you have become more extreme and “porny.”
One of the most common consequences of chronic porn use is “tolerance” and “escalation.” Because he has access to as much sexual imagery as he can stomach, he grows numb to what used to be exciting (tolerance). To compensate for this, he looks for newer, more interesting, and more extreme content (escalation). He might fixate on one particular fetish, but more likely he’ll get hooked on novelty and will always be on the lookout for the next higher high.
More than likely, he’s going to want to replicate what he’s watching on the screen with you. If you’re totally on board, this in itself isn’t a problem. But it becomes a problem when:
Anal sex, rough oral sex, emphasis on dominance or submission, a desire to ejaculate on your face, slapping, choking, spitting, demeaning language, and introducing new partners are all things learned from porn. If you’re wondering where he’s getting these ideas from, the answer is probably in his browser history.
4. He’s lost motivation for his old interests.
Because Internet porn is super-stimulating and causes chronic users to become desensitized, users can lose interest in things that don’t provide immediate pleasure. If you wonder what happened to the man you fell in love with–the one who had a lust for life, vibrant friendships, and hobbies he cared about–you should be asking yourself what’s replaced those passions.
5. He lies about using porn or goes out of his way to hide it from you or others.
If your fella has a porn problem, he may be completely ignorant of that fact. However, at some level he might know or suspect that it is an issue. He’s probably in denial about it, but subconsciously he’ll want to hide or minimize the extent of his porn use. If you’re seeing this sort of behavior in him–catching him in lies or noticing that his browser history is getting cleared all the time–it’s definitely a red flag.
None of these signs are conclusive on their own, but together they can indicate that you should be having some honest conversations about porn in your relationship.
We know this can be a touchy topic to bring up with your partner. To make it easier, you can download the free REMOJO app today and learn together with our short audio courses like Foundations and Your Brain On Porn. This will get the conversation started. And if he does decide to try going pornfree for a while, the REMOJO app will give him everything he needs to succeed and maximize the benefits.
Live better without porn.
Check out our REMOJO coaching program to quit porn with or without meditation.
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